Change can be exciting, exhilarating and empowering but it can also be overwhelming and daunting. One thing for sure is that it is inevitable. The events of the past couple of years have screamed at us to change, face the unfamiliar, dig deep and embrace it or stagnate. Do you keep looking back nostalgically at what was, are you still holding on to past habits, stale relationships, work that drains – is it time for a change, is it time to face the unfamiliar road?
This here is change - me writing to you. As a woman of 57years, my body has been continuously forcing me to change – you know what it’s like: the sweats, the anxiety, the confusion (I could go on!). Whilst that continues to tumble through my being, my children are growing, gaining independence and I am left bereft of a core purpose. Who am I, if not mum? With dread, I completed a counselling course, with art therapy intertwined throughout and I embraced the internal changes it challenged me to face. I found the creative in me. I made random paint marks on a canvas and realised my past poetry writing, journaling, making cakes, creating worksheets - are all creative and that there is more in me to explore.
Then I faced another huge question: can I leave my job of 18 years (that has been sucking the living day lights out of me for a long while) and walk the unfamiliar road of new discovery? Who am I, if not a teacher? Yes, I desperately wanted to leave but my job provided stability, income, familiarity and the unknown was scary. I prayed - God whispered: Trust God from the bottom of your heart; don’t try to figure out everything on your own. Listen for God’s voice in everything you do, everywhere you go; He’s the one who will keep you on track (Proverbs 3v5-6 MSG). I decided to trust, I did not have another position lined up but four months ago, with a trembling, trusting heart, I left.
I have felt relief, freedom (yeaaaaahhhhhhsssss!!!!), joy at the prospects and possibilities before me but this has also been laced with anxiety, discombobulation and asking God some very pertinent questions about self, life and Himself. Since then, I’ve meditated by the sea and written poems. I’m learning Spanish. I now have private students online and have done some examining. I’ve mentored a woman in crisis – we walked and talked and prayed as she healed. I’ve volunteered at the charity, Migrateful, met some lovely people and am continuing to explore! The fabric of my life has shifted, is shifting. Change can be hugely difficult, even if we choose it.
I am in the midst of change, facing the unfamiliar road, asking the questions, exploring the vista, discovering myself, opening my eyes to new possibilities, facing my insecurities. I do not regret leaving my job one bit! Perhaps you too are facing the unfamiliar road: needing to face your fears and take that step; needing to look deeper and let go of the past and change those habits or toxic thoughts; needing to let go of a certain relationship; considering starting a new career. Why let the familiar and comfortable present, prevent you from creating what can be? I am thoroughly uncomfortable and daunted and sometimes paralyzed with fear but I am also exhilarated and looking forward to the possibilities that God is creating and the confidence He is building in me.
Writing to you was another hurdle I climbed over (facing my insecurities, self-doubt and poor self-esteem). The internal noise was real. I love writing and I hope that we can meet again here soon and see where this journey takes us. I did not get here overnight, there’s been a journey, perhaps, I can share some of that with you next time.